Amigos: Friday Night Drunkery
I was a grade A lush this weekend. I don't know how my liver is still functioning. There's nothing like being up until three in the morning, drunk off your ass on champagne, messing with guy's emotions on Craig's List. My head hurt so bad the next day, but it was worth it. Anywho, I probably shouldn't put this up, but I *have* to. On Friday, my friend and I were trying to outdo each other with gross pics from casual encounters: I'm talking small penises, women with junk everywhere (not just their trunk), etc. She'd send me gross ones from her city and I'd send her some from mine. Anyway, this dude posted this:
[B]http://austin.craigslist.org/cas/1043799418.html [/B]
I had a good time laughing at him. Fueled by the champagne, I sent him a nice lovely email that said, "With your little ass in the air, all in the prone position, it makes me want to sing: You're so gay. You probably think this song is about you. You're so gay...." Now, it seems really silly, but it was hilarious at the time, especially since A) I was drunk and *everything* was funny, B) my friend and I were singing along at the time and c) he wrote me back with," Whatever, Carly Simon."
So, my friend was scouring in Men for Women because hey, eHarmony charges and CL is free. She found this dude that seemed okay, except he has the Bionic Forehead. He has the Incredible Hulk of Foreheads. It got bigger in each picture he sent. She was worried about how long his response time was taking and I said it was because he was answering other responders and she said that he told her no one else replied, so I, in my infinite deviousness, had her send me the link so I could reply to him. I wrote to him and this is what ensued:
[B]Hey. I saw your CL ad. Before I get all excited, are you real?[/B]
Yes I am for real! Ok here are my pics...
[I]
****Didn't I tell you? His forehead looks like something out of Alien Nation****[/I]
[B]Has anyone else responded to your ad?[/B]
Yeah a couple people.
[I]
*****He just told my friend a BLATANT LIE. Here comes Evil Me.........******[/I]
[B]I am in Austin, but I'm moving to L.A. next week. Here's the link to my ad. Tell me if you like what you see.
http://austin.craigslist.org/cas/1043799418.html[/B]
[I]***You already know where that link goes to....*******[/I]
Ummm sorry...was looking for a woman...
[I]**That's right. I made your lying ass look at man ass. hahahahaha*****[/I]
[B]I will be a woman after my trip to Thailand next month. Can we hook up when I get back?[/B]
[I]****Yes, all you Real World watchers know I was letting Katelynn be my guide right about now.*******[/I]
no thanks...good luck with that though.
So, because I was only two bottles of champagne to the wind, I decided to start texting my ex, you know, Naughty Nanny Boy. Yeah...him. hehehe. I asked him if he'd found true love or if he was still searching. Keep in mind, he has an ad up on Craig's List right now looking for an Escort. Think I'm playing? [B]http://austin.craigslist.org/m4w/1010376974.html[/B]
I'm an English major, Buddy. Analyzing writing styles is my bread and butter.
He said he was still looking and then the cat and mouse game proceeded. I knew he deleted my number. I keep *everyone's* number. That way, on the off chance they don't delete yours and they try to call you, you'll already know who it is and know not to answer. I told him that we had dated and we'd had an altercation and we don't speak anymore (all true, right?). We went back and forth and he kept trying to figure out how he knew me. He couldn't pin down who I was (that's what happens when you f--- over multiple women) so he asked why we fought and I told him that he was a little upset with me when he found out I had been born a man.
Time out. Men: If someone told you this, would you keep texting about this or would you squash it and not reply? Me, too, but not this assclown. He kept mixing it up with me trying to get me to tell him who I was. He kept trying to say I had the wrong person, but I called him out by his real name, remarked on him having red hair, and the coup de grâce, asked him did he still try to pass off positions he learned in yoga class as sexual positions he invented. I am in hysterics by this point, because no matter what craziness I put out there, he kept fricking responding! He even tried to call me! Who honestly would call? Who?!?!?!?
I wouldn't answer, so then he tried to call private like I was stupid enough to answer. So then, he texted me back and put, "Why didn't you answer? Are you scared?" I told him, "Can't answer because I'm giving a hand job right now." ANY sane person would have just stopped at that point, if not earlier. Not this assclown. He tells me to call him when I'm done. WTH?!?!? Common sense should have told him I was lying because how am I too busy giving a handjob to answer, but I can still manage to text? Come on, now. By this point, my friend and I are in tears laughing and I had snorted champagne through my nose like twice.
Now this fool keeps calling me private, hoping I'll answer the phone so he can figure out who I am. It's been three days, Buddy, give it up. This is my punishment, but it cheered up my friend immensely and it kept us from feeling bad for staying home on a Friday night, so I'll keep sending his annoying calls straight to voicemail.
Marlena would say that this is what I get for dating a redhead in the first place....
State of the Union: Still hungover
Listening to: America's Suitehearts by Fall Out Boy
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