All About Me: An Elantra? You Stole my Elantra?!?!?!?!!?!

In case you haven't seen my My Space, Facebook, or Twitter page, my car got stolen on Friday night. Not broken into. Stolen. My car. Mine. My Hyundai Elantra. It's not like I drive a Mercedes or a Lexus or anything. I have a beater Elantra with 15 more payments on it. My car got stolen from downtown Austin. From a parking garage. I could understand if it was parked on the street or in some shady alley, but a parking garage?!??! Seriously?

I was downtown celebrating Julie's birthday. We went to Cork and Co. Yes, I was in a wine bar. No worries, though, because you know I didn't drink any of that crap. Everyone kept laughing because I kept declining glasses saying," No thanks, I don't like moldy grapes." I had two glasses of champagne. Then we went to Qua where the asshole doorguy wouldn't let my friend Vanessa in. He kept saying that she was violating the dress code (she was wearing jeans, a black dress shirt, high heel sandals, and a gray jacket) but he would never come out and say what the violation was. Basically, he was discriminating against her because she's a bigger gal, but he didn't want to say it because he didn't want to get sued. Julie was livid and went off on him because we had just celebrated Vanessa's birthday like two weeks before there and she was wearing the same outfit she wore that night.

We ended up at Grüv. I only had one gin and tonic and a woo woo shot. I also got felt up on the cool by this hot redhead in the bathroom, but that's typical. We ended up in the V.I.P. section dancing and being stupid. Some black dude comes up where Julie and I are dancing, takes my hand and then says," Are you guys up for fucking?" *screech* Say wha? I jerked my hand back and said,"Absolutely not." Then the asshole had the nerve to get mad and say, "Well, I wasn't really talking about you since you're overweight." Scuze me, honey, but seeing as you were looking me in the eye and holding my fucking hand, who the hell else could you possibly be talking to? Me, being the evil bitch I am, just laughed and told him," I'm smaller than the bitch you walked in here with." (Judging by the look on his face, it *had* to be his sister or his first cousin. He looked like he wanted to Ike Turner me). I looked him up and down and told him I don't like dark meat and I gave up ugly boys when I turned 25. He slunk off like the maggot he is. Then, as we're leaving, I see him talking to some coked out blond chick with the darkest roots ever and the ugliest outfit in creation. I know he saw me laughing at him because I did it ALL in his face.

We were walking through downtown and passed this girl that had a guy in front of her and a guy behind and I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard him say,"Maybe we can get some double penetration action." That girl looked like she was a little high, but completely turned on by the idea. I bet her ass is mighty sore today. We went to Vanessa's SUV and then she took me to go to my car, except my car wasn't there. We kept driving up and down the whole garage and it wasn't there. We retraced my steps that night and she and Julie insisted on checking all the neighboring garages, but I know me. I'm a creature of habit. I park my car in the same garage every time I go out. I just assumed it got towed or something. I called the tow company like four times. It didn't even dawn on me until 8 a.m. the following morning that someone actually stole my car. Like I said, I drive an Elantra. Who would honestly steal my car?

My mom flipped out. My dad was shocked like me. An ELANTRA, People! The police came to file a report (that officer was totally hot!!!!!) and, when I told him what kind of car I had, even *he* rolled his eyes and said I'd get my car back eventually. He thinks some teenage asswipes are joy riding in it and it'll turn up. I ended up having to get a rental car that guzzles gas and I am just not happy. One of the belly dancing skirts my nana made me for Hanukkah was in my trunk and my iPod was hooked up to my stereo. I was going to get an iPod touch anyway, so I'm not mad about that, but I'm PISSED because my Britney Spears remix cd was in the cd player and I had to practically give away my first born to get one of my deejay friends to make it for me, so I'm livid about that. Everyone has remarked on how not angry I am about this. I don't know. I should be mad, but I feel strangely detached. I'm more pissed off about my c.d.

If your cousin stole my car, please tell him to leave it on the side of the highway so the popos can get it and I can turn this rental car in. He can keep the stereo and the iPod, but tell your cousin that he'd better return my belly dance skirt and he'd *definitely* better return my c.d. or else I'm going to break his fucking face.

State of the Union: Flabbergasted (A flipping ELANTRA)
Listening to: If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears